Thursday, August 2, 2012

Four Months - and Hope and Hearts 5K

Today marks four months since we held our sweet Isaiah.  When I think about the fact that it has been 16 weeks, part of me thinks - "wow, 16 weeks?," and the other part of me thinks "only 16 weeks?"  I feel like I've aged a lifetime in these weeks, and any naivety we had about life turning out as we'd hoped will never return...yet we know God has a plan.

When people ask how we're doing, I usually tell them that I feel like we are turning small corners - and for the most part - that is good.  As hard as working through the grief has been, I recently realized that I can list on one hand how many bad days I had this past month.  That is a huge feat when not long ago it was every day.

I still have hard moments each day - and occasionally entire bad days - but sometimes I surprise myself when the tears that always come to my eyes whenever I think of Isaiah present themselves with a small smile - not just sadness.  When I wonder about Isaiah in his current state - what he is doing right now now in heaven...what he looks like...the thoughts of being present with the Lord - I actually feel pangs of joy and wonder.  Of course I have chosen to think on those things for some time, but feeling positive feelings related at all to our loss --- that is a big change -- I never would have thought that could be possible.  Maybe this is a glimpse of God transforming our mourning into joy...exchanging beauty for ashes...a very slow, but hopefully steady process.  I try to remind myself that feeling positive feelings is not betraying the fact that we are sad to lose Isaiah, but more of a reflection of what God is doing in our hearts.

I do still struggle with feeling that the further we get from the day Isaiah was born -- that we are moving "away" from him.  I know this is a feeling, and the truth is that Isaiah is, and will always be, as precious to me as he was the moment I became aware of his existence - the moment that I felt him move for the first time - the moment that I saw him with my eyes - the moment that I kissed him with my lips.  As days keep passing and we keep changing, HE won't ever change - He is as he will be when I meet him again - and I really can't explain how excited I am for that day.

So I guess if you're wondering how we are doing - it's a mixed bag.  We still constantly think of him...constantly miss him...constantly see him in babies' faces...constantly listen to our children's pleas to see him in heaven, talk about him, watch his video -- but somehow God is changing and reforming our hearts.  I'm not sure if our hearts are being softened or bolstered after this loss...but I think of it more as being rebuilt after a terrible, heart-breaking storm...helping us face life as the changed people that we are.  God is renewing us in sure, small ways, and we are so grateful for his mercy and love.

I have been wanting to get a post up about ways that we have been memorializing Isaiah's life through Compassion International, etc., but haven't gotten to it yet.  I do want to tell you about another way we have decided to remember him - coming up on September 8th.

We have recently decided to be part of the Hope and Hearts 5K run/walk in memory of Isaiah - as part of "Isaiah's Team."  This powerful event allows people to come together to honor the memory of babies who have been lost, raise awareness about pregnancy loss, and promote stillbirth prevention by raising funds for the Missing Grace Foundation.  At the end of the 5K there will be a commemoration time where each baby will be remembered through a balloon release.  We would love any family or friends that are available to come walk or run with us as part of "Isaiah's Team!"  If you aren't available, but would like to donate to this organization, we'd love for you to consider this as well.

For more information about the 5K run/Memorial Walk/ Kids' Fun Dash and why we chose to support this organization, please head to our fundraising page to learn more:

***If you plan to register as part of our team, please let us know! You'll eventually need some more information via email :) ***

Once again, we want to praise God for his faithfulness to us in this valley and thank you for surrounding us with your prayers.  I hope you can see what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives through your prayers.  Even though things are still hard, we have so much to praise him for -- he is faithful!

And just for fun, here's a random picture...      

The flower girl and her mom - at a recent wedding


  1. Thanks for sharing, Becky! With each day that passes from the day that Isaiah was born is one day closer to when you will see him again. It brings tears to my eyes of the truth of seeing these babies again in Heaven. We will be out of town for the run, but will support in other ways. :) Thinking of you!

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    1. oops. misspelled. married to a Lit Teacher.

  3. this is beautiful!! I love the concept of turning ashes into beauty!! How very Isaiah!!

  4. You look beautiful, Becky.
    I am glad you are doing the 5k memorial thing... I wish I could be there. I'd be part of Isaiah's team.