April 2, 2013
One year ago today our hearts were filled with a simultaneous joy and pain. As silence filled a room that should have been filled with a baby's cries, the internal cry of our breaking hearts was all we could hear. Our beautiful child, Isaiah...born still...yet our joy and love for him was anything but still. It abounded and continues to abound...our love for you, Isaiah...our beautiful son.
Today - remembering the sting of death that brought a dark, hovering cloud to our souls one year ago brings a sting of tears and memories of heart wrenching moments...but it is also a wonder to consider the months of processing, living, and healing that we have done since.
One year ago - I felt like I couldn't breathe. My arms and heart literally ached from loss. How is it that we have survived this year? How could we choose to keep on living...to seek an understanding of grief and loss...to seek some healing of these deep wounds? Though it was tempting to constantly want to return to the rawness of Isaiah's death in order to "remember" him, it soon became apparent that I couldn't truly live in that state of mind. Remaining in the that state meant that I couldn't live in a way that would benefit those still here - that I couldn't live out the purposes God had for my life. Remaining in raw grief wouldn't really help others remember Isaiah in a positive way...instead it would do the opposite. I wanted to honor Isaiah's life....not his death.
Even though God's love for us surpasses understanding, becoming a parent helped me understand what God's love for his children might be like. Losing a child has helped me understand it even more.
I love to consider these verses - a prayer Paul prayed for others...
"And I pray that you...may have power...to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19
It is hard to explain, but understaning more of God's deep love has helped me deal with our loss. I can't really put my love for Isaiah into words. When I think about it, I can't breathe. Since my love for my children is only a shadow of the perfect love of Christ for HIS children, how much more does he love us? Even though he allowed us to endure this horrible thing and it hurt him to see us go through it...he loves us more than we can imagine. His love is beyond comprehension! When I think about it, I can't breathe. It may seem valid to think that it isn't fair that we lost our son and to shake our fists at God...but gaining a better understanding of his love helps dissipate those feelings of anger and despair that are natural in grief.
As we live through Isaiah's first birthday in heaven, I want others to remember him and to know the depth of our love for him...but ultimately I want you to be able to grasp how wide and long and high and deep the love of Christ is for YOU! In order to come to know God, you must choose to accept this love. I pray that you will consider this.
As this year mark of Isaiah's birth and death passes us by, on one hand I am sad that the time of people readily remembering him also seems to be passing us by. Yet I know that so many will continue to remember. Though much healing has taken place, there is no end to grief. There is no erasing the scar in this life. Yet one starts to get used to shouldering the sorrow that we will carry for a lifetime. I will always carry Isaiah...for a time in my womb...for a time in my arms...always in my heart.
I am so thankful that we can look back over this year and see God's grace, kindness, and faithfulness. He is forming beauty in our hearts where there once were only ashes. May we continue to be a testament to what he has done...for he has done great things!
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3